babies n' beer

quotapalooza

2010-09-19T15:11:00.000-07:00

"i think im becoming immune to four loko"
"sometimes i shit on my boss's car, he never suspects it me"
"if you burry a mcdonalds bag a flower will grow, do to the grease and sesame seeds"
"i think for my vacation this year im either going noodling or to london"
"are you american? no im from arkansas"
"george harrison is the guy from indiana jones right?"
"i'd rather have sex with a horse than be pregnant"
"i consider myself a true racist when sober"
"my life is like a flanel, mismatched and warm"
"if your dick was like a bee's stinger and you died after using it, who'd you use it on?"
"ever notice how a t-shirt looks like a t?"
"a biopsy is like an autopsy but when youre alive"
"i wish i was from africa so i wouldnt have to shower"
"do you think people in hungary eat constantly?"

the right buzz

2010-04-26T18:47:00.000-07:00

im like a bird...

2010-03-24T14:50:00.000-07:00

puddle jumping

2010-03-15T14:44:00.000-07:00

random quotes from this guy

2010-03-11T16:57:00.000-08:00

when referring to masturbation- "it was a continuous run, like 10 or 15 minutes ya know"

randomly-"do you know how many times a day i think of killing a cop?"

when referring to the lottery-"you know the first thing we're doing is lighting a fire in the living room. and i'm not waking the neighbors at all. i'm not going to jail for attempted murder, i'm going for done that shit murder"

referring to Joe's quote-"i wonder if Indian bitches' pussy smells like curry?"-Joe "some curry doesn't smell good holmes"

full contact huh?

2010-02-07T13:10:00.000-08:00

...not really my cup of tea

freedom

2010-02-07T12:44:00.001-08:00

almost artie

2010-02-07T12:33:00.000-08:00

Artie Lange always said if he were going to commit suicide, he wouldn't be a "pussy" about it and take pills or shoot himself. so he followed through with that precisely. about a month ago or more poor ole' Artie stabbed himself 8 times in the chest. 5 of them were considered to be "deep blows". but he was not successful this time. get well soon buddy. the dirty jersey would just not be dirty enough without you.

which one to watch

2010-01-28T07:49:00.000-08:00

recently i crashed at a friends house. i woke up relatively early and decided i might watch a movie before i head out. i found the dvd collection, which is neatly placed on a shelf above the couch where i had just slept. i quickly realized that this could possibly be the most disregarded dvd collection. this is what i had to choose from.

-pulse (unrated)

-drive thru records (vol. 1)

-hidalgo

-aeon flux

-2fast 2furious

-scary movie 4

-big trouble in little china

-bad taste

-open water

-drive thru records (vol. 2)

-urban legends

oh me oh my, so many decisions

hell in texas

2010-01-20T15:22:00.000-08:00

the heat in the summer is one hundred and ten
too hot for the devil, too hot for men
go see for yourself, and you can tell
'tis a hell of a place he has for a hell

disfunctional

2010-01-18T13:19:00.000-08:00

maybe the guy holding a gun to his head and the pure look of "we really don't give a fuck", on everyone's face doesn't do it justice, but these guys will beat the shit out of each other and burn your stage down. all the while, destroying your mind and body with the most amazing sound.

-the brian jonestown massacre

if only...

2010-01-18T12:59:00.000-08:00

...these two men could have survived a government against change, we wouldn't be wanting change now.

church food

2010-01-07T12:10:00.000-08:00

(Bryce and Ty pull into a church parking lot)
Ty: jesus, i hate this place
Bryce: dude, we're at a church
Ty: i know (as he stares at the building)
Bryce: are you getting out?
Ty: what? yeah
(they both approach the building as a short husky fellow starts to walk towards them)
Ty: ah shit
Bryce: what?
(the short husky fellow speaks)
Garrett: well if it isn't Ty Gerrard
Ty: hey Osceola, hows it goin' man
(Garret approaches Bryce)
Garrett: hello, im Garrett Holloway
Bryce: whats up im Bryce
Garrett: so what brings you back this way Ty
Ty: (ignoring Garrett looks at Bryce)
Ty: yo, lets get some food
Bryce: agreed
(Ty and Bryce walk away from Garrett as Ty flips him off)
Bryce: whos that dude?
Ty: some kid me and Matt used to beat up on
Ty: hes a youth pastor or some shit now, he sucks my dads turds out of his ass
Bryce: why'd you call him Osceola? (as they open the church doors)
Ty: i don't know, he was brown back in the day
Bryce: he looks Hispanic
Ty: whatever dude, the kid sucks
Bryce: yeah
Bryce: so wheres Buddy Roe? (as they stare upon an empty church kitchen)
Ty: DAMN IT!
Bryce: what dude?
Ty: i think my dads in Boca
Bryce: your fucking kidding me right?
Ty: fuck it, im making some food
Bryce: lets do this
(Bryce and Ty begin sorting through various refrigerators and cubbards)
Ty: find anything?
Bryce: i got nothing man
Bryce: you?
Ty: i got some left over meatloaf, some peanut butter, chocolate pudding, and some kool-aid
Bryce: (with a survere look on his face replys)
Bryce: wana burn one first?

an amazing journey

2010-01-07T11:59:00.001-08:00

arriving in quito, ecuador

downtown quito

this guy gave me a vasectomy

time travel

paid 70$ for this guy

darwin's first find

i named this guy zanzabar

our fearless leader and i

a wonderful year

2010-01-06T17:30:00.000-08:00

why vallerie? why?

2010-01-06T08:28:00.000-08:00

warhol, after the stabbing and shooting

daily thought

2010-01-06T08:04:00.000-08:00

today so far...

2010-01-06T07:49:00.000-08:00

woken up mid-dream by snookums
say "good morning baby"
rummage through clothes
found something clean and appropriate for 36 degrees
turn hot water heater on
scratch my ass
took shower
looked in mirror
realized i still look like a chernobyl survivor
walk downstairs
brush teeth
put make-up on
walk outside
got in car
came to mothers house
pet lady
yell for sophie
talk to mother
make cup of coffee
sit down at computer...

the opening

2010-01-05T14:28:00.000-08:00

sleek and slender guy wakes up on couch scratching and moaning. as he comes to his feet...

Bryce: morning sugar

Ty: (moans while hanging his head)

Bryce: told you not to eat all those xanax bro

Ty: fuck off...

Ty: what are you doin' today?

Bryce: i need starbucks

Ty: that's whack

Bryce: whatever dude. (rummaging around in kitchen)

Ty: (typing on phone) im starving

Ty: run me by shakes?

Ty: i need a burger man

Bryce: nah, im goin' to see my granny in a bit.

Ty: word, tell norma i said what's up

Bryce: yeah. (bryce exits house)

Ty: (gets up and heads towards bathroom slowly. music starts. exits shower and starts shaving. exits bathroom and starts dressing himself. digging around in a bag full of clothes while smelling and examining them all. randomly starts dancing in the mirror and making faces at himself. music fades as he sits down on the couch.)

Ty: hmmmm... (puzzled look on face. picks up phone and starts dialing numbers)

Ty: yoddles. whatcha doin' man? word. yeah i don't even remember talking to her last night. weird. whatcha doin' today? oh yeah? yeah, i'll see ya up there. peace. (lays phone down.)

Bryce: (enters house)

Ty: damn, that was quick

Bryce: dude there is the finest chick at starbucks, and i'm convinced she wants this. (points to crotch)

Ty: yeah, what's her name

Bryce: chelsea or something to that effect

Ty: sounds enchanting

Bryce: haha very funny

Ty: dude, this isn't a tbs commercial

Bryce: (makes weird face towards ty)

Ty: dude... FOOD!

Bryce: alright, whatcha wana get?

Ty: natalie portman's asshole

Ty: anything edible man!

Bryce: awww, is someone mad that tammy didn't text them back last night?

Ty: man... fuck off

Bryce: dude, fuck that chick

Bryce: she shitted on your foot!

Ty: i was fucking her in her ass!

Ty: it happens

Bryce: (tilts his head with puzzled look on his face)

Ty: whatever man, can we please get some food

Bryce: yeah im starving

(bryce and ty exit house together. step outside and approach a car.)

Ty: so what's new with norma man? (bryce backing out of parking lot)

Bryce: same shit, going to church every day and paying my broke ass

Ty: yeah, my dad said he sees her all the time

Bryce: buddy roe still works there?

Ty: you know it

Ty: wana go up there and score some free church food?

Bryce: im totally down

an old piece

2010-01-05T14:24:00.000-08:00

2010-01-05T14:23:00.000-08:00

its 5:27 pm on tuesday january 5, 2010. im bored, broke, and jobless. my life is finally complete.

credit due

2009-10-10T20:33:00.001-07:00

i met this guy when i was about 16 or 17. i ended up driving him at warp speeds to the hospital after his knee fell off. out of appreciation, he bought me a "get up kids" cd. i loved it. he's been my best friend ever since. thanks and happy birthday pat.

vladimir guerrero

2009-10-10T19:09:00.000-07:00

cheers to this guy and his parents

quotes i've been sitting on

2009-10-10T00:12:00.000-07:00

"its butt fuckin' time" -marcus
"sometimes i wish i wasn't a wanker" -natalie
"banana nut muffin anyone?" -jessie
"how's that for a tight little tush" -eric
"only one came outta that braw, but that was perfect boys" -old man next to me at a bar
"underneath that shirt lies two beautiful babes" -andy
"yes virginia, there is a santa clause" -announcer at a bar
"cowboy bills is a church of perpetual hard ons" -bartender named "ZP" at a bar
"so you girls like pina colodas? -bart
"you wana go search for some stray cats sometime?" -amy

6 month pause

2009-10-09T19:09:00.000-07:00

so for the two and half people that have tried to follow this page, im sorry. i don't have a computer and am always unmotivated to go to one of those "internet cafes". we all know what happens at those places. so im house sitting for some friends who have a computer. the dog will eat this fine piece of technology by the end of these five days. the old "the dog ate it" trick. hope you enjoy the next 120 hours.

the elderly

2009-02-04T15:48:00.000-08:00

so im pretty convinced that the majority of all older humans suck these days. i deal with these impatient bastards all day. they complain about paying a dollar fifty for a bottle of water, yet they spend four twenty five on a damn key west key chain in the shape of a sandal. when asked "where are you from", the 20 percent that don't say ontario usually will claim flowada (florida). NOPE! wrong answer you sniveling idiot. just because you moved to appolo beach, fl when you hit the big 65 in your lincoln continental from michigan doesnt make you a floridian damnt. why cant you go back to great falls, mi and take up senior golf lessons there? why is florida the only place with 55+ communitys? ya know. i mean, have you ever driven by one of those places and told yourself " shit man, when i retire im definitely moving into sunshine village"? come on. and at the age of 60 plus do you get a certificate that says im allowed to golf now? what the fuck? im so confused by this. these people never golfed before in they're lives. but i guess once you cross the state border into florida you can go to one of those "welcome centers"/rest areas and pick that certificate up. im not quite sure. we should ship them all to desert land, az somewhere, where they can golf, eat as much tapioka pudding, and watch perry mason as much as they want. seriously. one giant "adult community". therefore, when they hit 55 or 6o no one has to say "well what now"? its an automatic, "you're going to arizona dude".

oh 25...

2009-02-02T16:04:00.000-08:00

clinton's best nixon pose

twister's a hard concept

i love israel too bud

buffalo stance and hot sauce

graduation

sex appeal

2009-01-16T09:26:00.000-08:00

so i guess the story is that ol' Nick here, after being publicly pernounced the "sexiest man alive",decided he'd rather take on a disguise as the plastered tourist version of the joker